Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I Love My Life But Not My Health
On another day, I will tell you how I was able to get the mentality of "there is always someone out there that has it worse than you. I know someone that has a situation that she has dealt with for 27 years, far worse than my situation. She does not complain. She does not ask why me. She finds joy in the little things, and she is my hero and inspiration.
On good days I can clean my house and cook a gourmet meal. I feel so good when it is accomplished. On bad days I'm lucky to fill the dishwasher, and yes, sometimes I feel guilty that is all I accomplished for the day.
I took my diagnosis of Alzheimer's in surprising stride. Especially considering I watched my mother go through end phases of the disease, and am watching my Father now as he struggles with the disease. Suddenly it hit me, and yes I finally cried. My brain is dying. I am........dying. No one knows how long it will take for the disease to finally take me, but one thing is sure, it won't reverse itself. Will I be around or with it to see my first grandchild born? Though I am on Aricept, it only works for some people, and it doesn't stop the disease for those people, it only slows it down some. Meanwhile, my husband lit a fire under me and inspired me not to give up there. To take that time I have on "good days" and do more research. That is my new project. I will be doing research on diets that can help, but also test studies that are looking for patients. I'm especially interested in the study with nasal insulin spray that shows great promise. I don't know if they have an open on going study, but I did find the research scientist that is heading the project to try to contact. If it is closed, so be it. There are a lot of studies out there, and I'll keep looking to find one that I can be part of.
Today I'm so thankful for my husband, my sons, my father, my family and friends like always. I'm thankful for my dogs, the fresh crisp air blowing through the windows right now, and my warm hazelnut coffee by my side. None of us knows how long we will be here. It could be a day, it could be another 50 years. We better cherish what we have on this day. If it ends up being our last, will it be well spent?